you tacky thing

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why I am not living the life I want to live. Why I am not being the person I want to be. The navel-gazing diary entries, the blogging, the therapy. Oy.

Through it all, I always seem to focus on what I want to change about myself — or, should I say, what I want to change myself into. I want to be responsible with my money and timely with my bills. I want to be active and healthy and consistent with good diet and exercise. I want to be academically and professionally successful. I want to be community-conscious, a volunteer, an activist, and advocate. It’s good to have goals, I tell myself. And it is.

Problem being, I spend very little time thinking about what I actually am. And when I do, it’s through an ugly lens of judgment and shame. I am irresponsible and wasteful. I am lazy and gluttonous. I am a failure. I am selfish, timid, ineffectual — all talk and no action.

So what am I really?

(more…)

WOMAN: Hello?
ME: Hi, is Stephanie there?
WOMAN: (pause) Who’s this?
ME: This is Claire from —– University.
WOMAN: She’s not here.
ME: Oh, I see. When will she be around?
WOMAN: (totally unconcerned) I don’t know.
ME: Hmmm. Do you think she’ll be around tomorrow?
WOMAN: No.
ME: (pause) Okay … Does she live here?
WOMAN: No.
ME: Okay … Is this a family member?
WOMAN: Yes, this is her sister.
ME: Oh, great! I’m trying to get in touch with her about her interest in earning her degree. Could you take a message for me and pass it along to her?
WOMAN: *click*

ME: *calls back* (more…)

I am once again attempting NaNoWriMo, mostly because some online friends are doing it and I’m a lemming. Last year didn’t pan out; I got maybe 5,000 words, most of which were half-decent, and then lost my motivation and energy. Same thing might happen this year, but any writing is good writing, even if it’s crap.

Also, NaNo is a great way to put writing in the spotlight for a while, and to gain insights that benefit more structured efforts. For instance, today, the following delightful little essay went out to all NaNoWriMo participants. I provide it in full because it’s just that awesome. (more…)